Predictoguff 2019

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Hello there!

Well, 2018 has farted itself off into history and here we are faced with another slog around the Sun. Thankfully, we have computer games to keep our minds off the inevitable collapse of civilisation! Here are a few of my predictions about them for 2019.

PS5/Xbox Two Announcement

I’ve read rumours of there being a new revision to the Xbone coming and I assume Sony will aim to refresh the PS4 Pro around the same time, so they don’t feel left out and lonely. My theory is that they might just rebrand the revision as the PS5 and Xbox…whatever. I think they’d be foolish to create an all new hardware platform now they’ve made the effort to switch to x86 PC innards, and it would be BONKERS if the next consoles weren’t backwards compatible with this generation. I expect at least unofficial hints about all this around E3 time.

Nintendo Does Something Mindbendingly Dimwitted

Nintendo are riding high on success right now, so I’m expecting them to do something absolutely fucking dense this year to make up for it. I don’t know what this will look like, but usually when they do this it’s always something that sounds cool on the surface that they manage to completely “fuck the donkey” with in a totally unexpected way. Something like how wank the online app is, or maybe even a Virtual Boy type catastrophe. Keep an eye out for this one.

Someone Who Isn’t Nintendo Tries Launching a Handheld Console to Ride The Switch’s Coattails

Speaking of the success of the Switch, I have a feeling that someone will launch a new handheld hoping to soak up some of that good handheld gravy, which is a horrific phrase in hindsight. I would be somewhat surprised if it’s Sony, as they have less of an idea of what to do with handheld entertainment than a cat with a Rubik’s Cube. I’m not so sure about this one, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it happened.

A Surprise YouTuber Will Turn Out To Be A Total Dick

You know this one is going to happen. I don’t know why I bothered including it. The sun rises. The sun sets. A YouTuber is a secret wankspanner. These are certainties in life.

I’ll Get A Right Chub-On Over A New Pokémon Game

I’m relatively new to Pokémon. My first proper Pokémon game was Sun, but I’m proper hooked on it already. At time of writing I’m caning the arse off of Let’s Go on the Switch and I’ve even reinstalled Go on my phone to make bus journeys a bit less dull. I think Nintendo/Game Freak are due to announce a new Proper Pokémon game for the Switch at E3 and if they do, you’d better expect to see me squeeing like a schoolgirl on Twitter.

E3 Will Feel A Bit Lacklustre

Last year’s E3 wasn’t that exciting and I’m hearing that Sony have dropped out of this year’s. Considering it seems to be becoming about as popular as the Jimmy Savile Fan Club, I doubt E3 itself will be much cop this year. I’ll still tune in and rip the piss out of everything though. I expect more companies to take the Nintendo Direct route.

Square Enix Teases More Final Fantasy VII Remake Updates

I’m absolutely tumescent for the FFVII Remake. I’ve been fully erect since it was announced back at E3 2015. Since then, there has been almost precisely knob-all updates about it. I need this in my life and I’m currently expecting to retire to an apartment complex on Mars before I get to play the bastard.

I expect Squenix will tease some more stuff about it this year. Maybe there’ll be a vague, blurry screenshot? They’ll say it’s coming along fine. There will be hints about gameplay and content.

The prickteasing arseholes.

Sony Forgets About The PSVR

I hope not but, considering how they ghosted the Vita, I’m scared Sony are going to forget that they do VR now. The PSVR is a great experience and I’d hate it to go in the bin because Sony have the attention span of a dickless dog with three bollocks.

Brexit Fucks With The Games Industry In A Fun And Unexpected Way

This is the wildcard on the list. I’ve no idea if Brexit’s still happening at the time of writing, and if it does, I have no idea what form it’s going to take. If it does, I’m scared shitless that it’s going to screw with the games industry somehow. Like, it’ll somehow become illegal to import/export JPEGs to/from the UK because a trade agreement didn’t get sorted out. Something utterly mental like that. Who knows! Why might all be eating our lawns by that point anyway and too busy fighting off raiders to care about games.

Anyway, that’s my “Pulled Out The Arse” set of predictions for this year. I hope you have a good one, and lord help us all!